January 29, 2010

Refreshing

After going out 3 days in a row without knowing that is not a good habit, i finally realised i was all alone xD its fun to be there but it just so worst when i still feel alone when theres people around me who i can talk to. i finding it hards for me to survive since i lost so many people in my life right now and they are not the one to be blame.

i hate it when i woke up in the middle of the night knowing that i was all alone and nobody to talk to. seriously it sucks and nearly i keep trying to sleep again and again. and finally im right in front of the computer trying to forget the pain.

i keep seeing people do things that hurts the people who's close to them. finally i realised i would do the same without thinking what others feel since they hurt me too much. again, that is not their fault. maybe i ni pedendam?

no no. its not that. i keep doing the things that i asked others no to do so coz i think that will help me reduce the pain and stop thinking about them. everyday it does getting harder. goodbye is the only way. dont have the strength to ask for it. so i did things that they dislike. just hoping they hate me. coz only then, they will never come around and around like before.

its not that i hate her/him. i just cant accept the fact that me and him/her are not the way it was like before. we used to be so close. tell stories and stupid jokes but now it just gone. it sucks and i tried to close all the doors in my heart. bahaha xD funny as it seems.

i like to pretend like i dont care at all. i keep showing my anger to everyone like i really hate that person. it just a way for me to show to them i dont care at all which i actully do care. but its too late. everythings gone.

im not in the mood for texting. not in the mood for onlining. not in the mood for calling 'meng-calling'. not in the mood to talk with my own bestfriends. not in the mood for almost everything. still try so hard not to show it.

i guess people just didnt get it. i keep pushing others away and i regret it at the end of the day. still hoping they come back but realising what i've done to them, i just stood there doing nothing at all.

when they did come, i just make the same mistake again coz i think i did lost them to others.

i wish i was someone else. well, i did wish to have parasomnia. since i watched that movie called paramsomnia. i think it is sleeping disorder. dalam bahasanya, masalah untuk berjaga, sleeping all day. if i did have amnesia, it was pretty cool since i will forget things easily.

now, i did forget things just like that but memories keep flashing and it hards to let it go. its been years, months, weeks, hours, minutes and seconds to let it go slowly. still got that feeling inside but i often dont show it.

i can still keep quiet when theres a lot of people who i can socialize with. i keep wasting my time for useless things. maybe i did try to make myself happy but it doesnt work all the time and i hate that.


conclusion, i lost almost everything except my family. please people, u can leave me now since i got nothing left. jerk jerk -.-

help me forget about him/her. please laaah.. i cant take it no more.

0 comments :